DARTH WILSON REPORTS FROM OBAMA TRANSITION

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Local reporter Darth Wilson, embedded with the Obama Transition Team, files the following report:

A spokesman for the Obama Transition Team told reporters that President-Elect Barack Obama will appoint a presidential assistant for communications with the dead. The spokesman said that shortly after he assumes office in January, President Obama will invite former first ladies Nancy Reagan and Hillary Clinton to the White House for a séance.

A conversation with Eleanor Roosevelt is planned. President-Elect Obama also hopes to communicate with a number of former dead presidents.

In other news, prospective White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel denies that he is highly partisan and divisive as claimed by media accounts.

In an exclusive interview with reporter Wilson, Mr. Emanuel stated that the new administration will not be only Democrats, but "will include a number of stupid Republicans."

G.Goozler may be contacted at ggoozler@att.net.

DEERFIELD BEACH - Broward County Democrats were caught off guard Sunday when a spokesperson for the National Society of Quadroons and Octoroon's (NSQO) announced that presidential candidate Barack Obama is not black, because he's just as white as he is black.

Claiming that her group has the final say-so on who is white and who is black or Hispanic, local NSQO representative Eleanor Fagan told reporters, "Because Obama's mother is white, he cannot be black."

The group plans to file a lawsuit if Mr. Obama is elected, to prevent him from claiming to be the first black president.

"Obama is no more black than white and therefore cannot claim to be straight out black," she said.

Spokesperson Fagan added, responding to a question from local reporter Darth Wilson, that Senator Obama could call himself a mulatto, because his father allegedly was black, but he would be first required to submit an application to the group's Mulatto Registry for official recognition. Ms. Fagan told reporter Wilson that Obama has so far failed to do so.

But a local Democratic Party big-wig immediately rejected NSQO's assertions, stating in a widely disseminated e-mail, that "We got a good thing going here, and we're not going to let it be [expletive deleted] up by a cockamamie group of half-breeds"

G.Goozler may be contacted at ggoozler@att.net.

HILTON HOTEL - Deerfield Beach was shaken to its foundations on Saturday, when two of the city's most prominent political figures were spotted at the 13th South Florida Tattoo Expo held this weekend at the Deerfield Beach Hilton on Fairway Drive.

The three-day expo featured more than 80 tattoo artists, bands, a car show and plenty of opportunities for attendees to be permanently disfigured.

Proceeds from the event were donated to the Joe DiMaggio Children's Hospital.

The first to be seen at the expo was 2d District Commissioner Sylvia Poitier. Hundreds of onlookers were shocked when Ms. Poitier proudly displayed her tattoo, a set of big red lips, inked on her left buttock.

In an exclusive interview with local reporter Darth Wilson, the commissioner said, "People suck up to me or kiss my ass if they want something from me, Babe."

"You wanna see my alligator tattoo?" she asked reporter Wilson.

Later on Saturday, Mayor Al Capellini made an unexpected appearance at the Hilton and proudly displayed his newest, a likeness of Commissioner Sylvia Poitier on his right shoulder.

"I wanted to show that I am a black women running for mayor," Capellini told the crowd. "This tattoo of our first black woman mayor symbolizes my solidarity with my people."

Mayor Capellini then had his ears pierced "for a new, absolutely stunning pair of earrings."

G.Goozler may be contacted at ggoozler@att.net.

DEERFIELD BLOGOSPHERE - Unconfirmed reports say that the controversial blog of Chaz Stevens may have been shut down temporarily because of pressure from the National Association of Shitbirds and Fucktards (NASF).

The blog, Acts of Sedition, vanished suddenly a couple of weeks ago, only to reignite in a different format on Saturday. Mr. Stevens was once described by local investigative journalist Bob Norman as incendiary and politically ambitious.

Mr. Stevens declared that he was a candidate for mayor.

In numerous posts, Stevens referred to his potential opponents, Mayor Al Capellini and Commissioner Steve Gonot, who is also challenging Capellini in next March's city elections, as "shitbirds" and "fucktards."

According to an NASF spokesperson, the association called for Stevens to cease and desist confusing "respectable, law abiding shitbirds and fucktards with politicians. Failure to do so immediately will have serious consequences."

In a post just days before the blog's disappearance, Stevens called the NASF "assholes."

This provoked an immediate response from the American Society of Assholes (ASA).

The official website of the ASA states that only official members of the American Society of Assholes may be called assholes.

The ASA threatened a lawsuit against Mr. Stevens if "you continue to refer to persons not members of the ASA as assholes."

Rumors circulated last week that all the attacks against him by the shitbirds, fucktards and assholes were too much for Mr. Stevens, so he took down his blog and moved to India.

G.Goozler may be contacted at ggoozler@att.net.

WORLD WIDE WEB - Mayor Al Capellini, fed up with recurring reports that he is dishonest, posted an audio to his newly activated Web site Sunday morning (BlackWomanforMayor.com) that sent tremors of fear and trepidation throughout the local media.

"I am not a crook," he said. "I am not a crook and I'm not gonna take it any more."

In an emotional statement with his voice trembling at times, Mayor Capellini denied doing shady deals and having mob connections.

"I don't investigate every person I associate with and have them tailed and videoed," he asserted, "only people who are running against me for mayor."

Emphasizing that he is sick and tired of people calling him a crook, the mayor stated, "To put an end to this slander once and for all, I have directed my consigliere to contact every news source and tell them, 'shut your pie hole or else.' "

Mr. Capellini did not specify what consequences would follow if the media did not comply. Attempts to contact Capellini's traveling campaign in Sicily were unsuccessful.

G.Goozler may be contacted at ggoozler@att.net.

EUROPE - After touring Europe this week and delivering speeches some compared to John F. Kennedy's and Ronald Reagan's famous Berlin speeches, media friendly to presumptive presidential nominee Barack Obama write in today's Sunday editions that Obama has the German vote in his pocket.

In fact, a Gallup Poll conducted last Wednesday concluded that if the election were held today, 62 per cent of German voters and 64 per cent of French voters would cast their vote for Obama.

The Gallup Poll also showed that a walloping 60 per cent of British voters would vote for Obama, while 25 per cent preferred Whitbread Ale.

Political polling expert, FAU political scientist Rolland Strong, questions the relevance of the polls.

In a telephone interview with the G.Goozler Report, he agreed that "They may cheer him now, but German and French voters are notoriously absent from U.S. polls on election days."

Sen. John McCain also discounted the poll figures while speaking to reporters on his campaign jet. "Lookie here," he said, "I tied my own shoes."

G.Goozler may be contacted at ggoozler@att.net.

OAK LAWN, ILL. - New "Rules of Engagement" were announced this week at the annual convention of the prestigious National Association of Comedians and Satirists which met this year in Chicago.

After a sometimes raucous and bitter debate among members, NACS adopted a resolution prohibiting any jokes or satire aimed at presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama or other black candidates for public office.

The move was a reaction to a controversial New Yorker magazine cover which depicted Obama in a Muslim-like outfit, fist-bumping an Afro-coiffed, machine gun toting Michelle Obama, while an American flag burned in the fireplace.

The McCain campaign called the magazine cover "tasteless and offensive," while New Yorker editors termed it satire.

The initial proposal called for a ban on any humor or parody targeting Democratic Party candidates in this year's upcoming elections regardless of color, creed, sex, sexual orientation, past criminal records or nationality.

Chortling, watermelon jokes and even fist-bumping also would have been prohibited under the first draft.

Proponents of this sweeping prohibition said that any sort of spoof involving Democratic or other black candidates might be construed by some people to apply to Mr. Obama.

An Obama spokesperson supported the proposal, saying that it was Obama's intent "to run an entirely humorless campaign."

NACS conventioneers adopted a compromise resolution after a compelling, if emotional, rant by comedian Dennis Miller.

Miller argued that adoption of the broader rule "would effectively eliminate all humor this election cycle, by limiting comedy to white Republican candidates."

"White Republicans just aren't that funny," he told NACS members, "unless they turn out to be gay."

After news of the new NACS rules spread, the mobile campaign headquarters of Mayor Al Capellini told local reporter Darth Wilson, traveling with the campaign in Italy, that Capellini would soon announce that he is the only black woman candidate for mayor, thus immunizing herself from all satire and comedic routines.

G.Goozler may be contacted at ggoozler@att.net.

DEER CREEK - In an exclusive interview, commission candidate Gary Lother expressed shock and disbelief about revelations that former city employee James Sennello falsified overtime records in his department.

Sennello worked under Lother when Lother was fire chief. Lother himself resigned under pressure after a survey of fire union members concluded that "94% of fire department employees think Chief Lother is a complete screw up."

Mr. Sennello was hired by the city and subsequently promoted numerous times even though officials and department managers knew that he had a criminal record.

Sennello had been charged with felony extortion but pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor as part of a plea deal.

In the latest scandal, Sennello is accused of falsifying pay records so that a female employee, also reportedly his girl friend, could claim overtime pay to which she was not in fact entitled, according to city officials.

Mr. Lother told local reporter Darth Wilson that he would not tolerate such shenanigans in city government.

"I will put out the fire," he said, "even if I have to use my own hose."

Citing his own record of honesty, fairness and impartiality as fire chief, the lanky candidate stated that the one thing the city cannot allow is for people to cheat on overtime.

"Next thing you know, supervisors will show favoritism on who gets the extra hours in exchange for loyalty." he said.

G.Goozler may be contacted at ggoozler@att.net.

DEERFIELD BEACH - Shock waves rumbled through Deerfield Beach on Thursday when Lynn Deetjen, wife of ex-city manager Larry Deetjen, told reporters that she will run for mayor next year.

Dubbing her bid for top dog as the Mad About Lynn Campaign, "March 10th, 2009, will be the new Independence Day for this city," Mrs. Deetjen declared.

Referring to herself as the former First Lady several times in a prepared statement, Mrs. Deetjen told stunned rag writers that she has more experience than either of her opponents, 20-year incumbent Mayor Al Capellini and challenger Steve Gonot.

"When my husband was city manager," she said, "I was in charge of the city."

To support her claim, Mrs. Deetjen stated that she came up with the idea for a swank restaurant at the city pier. She accused dark, despicable forces lead by then Vice Mayor Steve Gonot for thwarting the restaurant plan.

"Just think of me as Pete Boinis in drag," she told reporters.

Pressed by local reporter Darth Wilson concerning her experience, Mrs. Deetjen recounted a story of when she and her daughter went to a volatile District 2 neighborhood to negotiate a cease-fire between warring youth gangs.

"We were met with hostile fire from snipers," she said.

Mrs. Deetjen told reporter Wilson that she also brokered peace deals in Bosnia, Northern Ireland and Deer Creek.

Later, a press release from the Deetjen campaign office backtracked, conceding that the candidate might have "misspoken" about the danger when one of the teen gang members offered her a rose.

A damage control e-mail, sent to all major media outlets including the G.Goozler Report, termed the misstatement a “minor blip" among the “millions of words” Mrs. Deetjen spoke every day, and blamed the incident on multitasking.

"Mrs. Deetjen may have been distracted by her efforts to reinstate Pluto as a planet and Larry Deetjen as city manager of Deerfield Beach," the e-mail read.

G.Goozler may be contacted at ggoozler@att.net.